[Team Four] We'll Burn Like Stars

[eoryndal.livejournal.com]

Sorry this is late. Thank you, Ansa.

Sometimes, Jongin does stupid dares. Sometimes, Jongin needs a bit of Joonmyun's attention.



It was a dare. And it wasn't like it was Jongin's first kiss. That one went to a girl called Sooyoung when they were 8 and she told him after their ballet class that she liked his long hair and that in 10 years they would be the prettiest Princess and Prince in the Sleeping Beauty. Now, 14 years later, Jongin was not a principal dancer but an international pop star and had the worst kind of friends, like Sehun for example, who got almost as drunk as Baekhyun and said.

“I dare you to kiss Joonmyun hyung.”

And Jongin was on a high from the award show they had attended earlier, the relative privacy of their twentieth floor private suite, and various contents of their mini bar the managers had allowed them to raid in celebration of their huge award. He scooted into the middle of their circle on the hotel room floor until he sat right in front of Joonmyun and everything was sort of dizzy and hilarious.

Scenes of movie kisses raced through Jongin's mind and convinced him that he had to hold the side of his make-out partner's neck and pull him into the kiss but his hand just bumped against layers of fabric because Joonmyun was wearing a hoodie. Aimlessly, his fingers fumbled along the hood, then down the strings, over Joonmyun's lean stomach and then he was gripping Joonmyun's thigh as he leaned in. His lips were dry and chapped against Joonmyun's soft ones and in that moment, Jongin stilled and realized he'd never actually kissed anyone before.

Sure, there had been little Sooyoung and a few others since then but Jongin had always been the one being kissed, not doing the kissing. Not that he didn't know that theoretically, in a well-balanced real-life kiss, every involved party moved their lips. He'd just never really gotten to that point. And in that moment, with his mouth pressed awkwardly on Joonmyun's, he just completely froze up and sat there like a stone statue, feeling himself break out in sweat, alcohol sloshing around in his blood, praying for Joonmyun to save them both by breaking the kiss.

Jongin felt a gentle hand pry his fingers from Joonmyun's thigh and another hand ruffling his hair and his eyes which he'd squeezed shut opened to a warm sunshine smile lighting up Joonmyun's face.

His panic melted away just like that. The noises in the room washed back into his conscious mind and as he looked around, he noticed that Baekhyun and Chanyeol had teamed up on Kyungsoo whose hands were held behind his back by a laughing Jongdae, Yixing was already passed out on a couch, Minseok sitting on the armrest sipping wine from a whiskey glass, and Sehun quickly pushed his phone back in his pocket, probably full of blackmail material.

“I'll have to hunt him down,” Jongin said as seriously as his level of intoxication permitted, turning back to Joonmyun.

“It was only a dare,” Joonmyun said. The sunshine on his face had dimmed to his impersonal interview smile. He handed Jongin a glass of water. While Jongin downed it, lips coming away still feeling parched, Sehun approached them and drew all of Joonmyun's attention on himself in that easy way he had.

Jongin looked around, seeing everyone preoccupied with something. Everyone except or him. He got up from the floor and burrowed himself under a blanket on the other couch, chest aching in a way he couldn't explain.

Joonmyun didn't treat him any differently than before. Jongin was still the almost-but-not-quite maknae who listened well, didn't cause much trouble, and didn't attract any extra attention. Even as Jongin fought with Sehun over something stupid and trivial, Joonmyun was by Sehun's side, coddling him, and Jongin was left feeling ignored. Well, Jongin had called Sehun hurtful names, and Joonmyun was roommates with Sehun anyway, but sometimes Jongin just wanted a bit of Joonmyun for himself.

Instead, Jongin trailed after Baekhyun like a lost puppy because Baekhyun was funny and energetic and the type to pick up stray pets and treat their injuries. And Baekhyun didn't ask questions when Jongin appeared in the living room slash Baekhyun's temporary bedroom when the lights were already out, a playlist of old Digimon episodes on his phone. Baekhyun was also the type to talk in a ridiculous imitation of Tai's voice when Jongin asked.

“Remember the party in China?”

“What party?”

“After the award show... we all got drunk and-”

“Ah, yeah, that party, what about it?”

Jongin chewed his lip. “If... if Sehun had dared you, would you have kissed Joonmyun, too?”

Baekhyun laughed and answered in his normal voice. “Of course! I'm not a killjoy, I would've kissed anyone. Joonmyun, too, but Kyungsoo was so much more fun, we needed three people to hold him down and he kicked Chanyeol in the balls. But you know, he said he likes it that way, he didn't like it when I kissed him without wrestling him down first and–”

Baekhyun's voice and the Digimon episode playing in the background all merged together into white noise as one thought in Jongin's head blocked everything else. “I would've kissed anyone,” Baekhyun had said. But I wouldn't have kissed just anyone.

Jongin lowered himself to lie flat on his stomach and pressed his face into Baekhyun's makeshift bed. It smelled like sleep and hair dye. I think I have a crush on Joonmyun hyung.

Baekhyun stopped and asked. “Are you tired?”

“Yes,” Jongin mumbled. No, I'm just doomed.

“Do you want to sleep here tonight? Trade for your bed?”

“Okay.”

Baekhyun whooped and raced off. Jongin stayed lying in the same position and in his mind, all the past years played on rewind as he tried to figure out at what point he'd started liking Joonmyun.

He drew a blank.

He'd never felt any different about Joonmyun than he did now. He'd always wanted to listen to Joonmyun well, to earn praises, to be close to him and linger a little when he had his arm around Joonmyun's shoulder, to lean a little closer when he was whispering in Joonmyun's ear, to brush his fingers over Joonmyun's arm... and now kissing was also on the list. But he was pretty sure he wasn't in love in the way that made people crazy for each other, like in movies, or the way Chanyeol would fall head over heals and know nothing else, or the butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of way.

Does a different kind of love exist? Jongin wondered. A not quite platonic but not sexual love?

Jongin tried to imagine how far he'd go with Joonmyun. Hugs were good, of course. But Joonmyun didn't dole out hugs easily. He was usually the one on the receiving end, Jongin remembered and smiled at the thought of how well Joonmyun fit into other people's arms, especially people taller than him. Jongin wondered if Joonmyun liked being hugged the way Jongin preferred being kissed to doing the kissing. In any case, they could exchange hugs for kisses. Because kisses were definitely good, too. With clothes on. Clothes off would be... sort of weird but not bad, probably. In a bed, under a soft blanket, with no one around to think weird things or make teasing comments, it could be nice. Just warm skin under lips and fingertips. Jongin could feel his body melting into the sheets at the thought... making him warm and sleepy.

And lying on a bed in that way, holding each other, if Joonmyun wanted to touch him intimately, Jongin would let him. Joonmyun's hands were small and they'd surely be gentle, just caressing, giving, not demanding.

And maybe Joonmyun would get hard from the touches and the kisses, and he'd ask Jongin to touch him. And if Jongin said no, they'd just keep holding each other tightly until they fell asleep with heat trapped in their cheeks. And if Jongin said yes, he could wrap his hand around Joonmyun's member and press his lips to his neck, feel his pulse throb in every part of his body.

And if he felt especially bold, he would– he wouldn't blow Joonmyun, but he would kiss him there, the same way he'd kiss Joonmyun's palms, the curve of his waist, his knee, the one with the scar.

Yes, that was okay, definitely okay. Anything more than that, no. Jongin couldn't imagine any bumping and grinding, thrusting, actual sex.

Just emotional and physical closeness.

Just holding Joonmyun until his heart was filled with a love as heavy and warm as molasses of molten lead. A happiness so thick in his chest that his lungs were always a little short of breath and his lips would feel hot on Joonmyun's skin, covering him in a blazing web so he'd never freeze.

That's what Jongin was aching to give, so much that it hurt when he didn't succeed in drawing Joonmyun's attention from time to time, and when his unwavering gaze wasn't met with a smile, or any sign of acknowledgement.

It wasn't like he was trying to steal Joonmyun from Sehun. Their maknae needed a bit more validation than most and Jongin wanted him to have it, even if it meant having to bear with jealousy sometimes. And Jongin knew that he had to put Exo first. They could recover from a dating scandal, but what if it came out that two of their members were in a relationship? He couldn't risk that.

He could do without dates and public hand-holding and proclamations of love. But could Joonmyun, too?

Talk. He'd have to talk to Joonmyun and try to make him understand his ideas, his wishes and needs, offer up his heart. Unsure how he could put all those things into words, he thought he'd have a lot of time to think about it, as they usually had a busy schedule and hardly any time to spare for such a conversation. But the opportunity presented itself to him sooner than expected.

It was an evening in Malaysia, in their hotel after the concert. Sehun had fallen asleep on Jongin's bed, so Jongin just took Sehun's bed instead, in the room the youngest shared with Joonmyun. He was in the shower and Jongin, sitting on the bed waiting for him, thought. This is it, the chance to talk to him. Or at least to test the waters and see if he should better stop getting his hopes up in the first place.

“Hyung, can I ask you something?” Jongin asked when Joonmyun emerged from the bathroom in shorts and dug through his suitcase for a shirt.

“Always.”

Jongin could feel a fluttering in his chest at the warm answer and the fact that Joonmyun came over to sit beside him instead of holding a conversation across the room. These little things showed that he cared, right?

“Hyung, remember in China when I kissed you–?” Jongin's heart jumped into his throat and beat fast. He looked at Joonmyun for help but the expression he met was closed off, guarded.

“It was a dare.”

“Uhm...” Jongin gave a small nod. A sudden thought flashed sharply through his mind. What if he hated it? What if he's reacting like this because my kiss was so bad that he hated it?

But still, he had to know. Rubbing his sweaty palms on his knees, he asked. “If I dared you to, would you kiss me?”

“No.”

“Oh. I see...” Jongin lowered his eyes. That was it. There was no point in asking more questions. He should do something, laugh it off, anything to not let his heartbreak show. But he couldn't get a sound out. His hands were shaking in his lap and he just felt so stupid for dreaming up impossible things, and to think he'd been planning to tell Joonmyun all his relationship ideals and hope he would somehow–

“Jongin. Hey... look at me.” Joonmyun took a deep breath. “I, god, I shouldn't be telling you this but... I'd kiss you if you asked me because you wanted me to, not because you dared me to. Do you understand?” He squeezed Jongin's hand imploringly. “Do you understand what that means?”

“I–” Jongin swallowed a big lump in his throat. He met Joonmyun's gaze. “I want you to,” he whispered.

The unreadable mask slipped off Joonmyun's face and Jongin could see hope and hesitation and longing and fear as Joonmyun leaned closer, his eyes flickering to Jongin's lips. “May I?”

“Yes. Wait!”

Jongin's lips were just as chapped as last time but this time he pulled them into his mouth and wet them thoroughly.

“Now,” he breathed.

Joonmyun tilted his head just a small degree, Jongin's eyes slid close, and their lips met. It was perfect. There was no alcohol sloshing around in Jongin's stomach, no freezing up, just a slow, soft melting as he pushed a little bit and felt Joonmyun smile and push back a little. Their lips slid easily as they kissed until all the moisture between them was dried up. An then Joonmyun nipped on Jongin's lower lip and flicked his tongue out, bringing a new sheen of wetness to Jongin's lips to facilitate the glide. “Ohh.” Jongin had to draw a quick breath. That worked well. It tickled when Joonmyun's tongue touched the inner seam of his upper lip but it felt warm and intimate on his lower lip. Jongin wanted to feel more of Joonmyun's skilled tongue and parted his lips but suddenly his mouth was full of saliva and he had to break away to swallow.

Joonmyun's gaze on his was so full, so heavy, as if he wanted to sink into him. Jongin realized how loud and fast his own breaths were and he lowered his gaze as a wave of hot embarrassment burned up the back of his neck.

They had intertwined their fingers during their kiss, and now Joonmyun pulled on Jongin's hand, pulling them both into a lying position. His free hand snuck under Jongin's shirt and left a blazing trail up his side.

Jongin wasn't sure what it meant, but he feared what it could mean.

“Just- just sleeping, okay hyung?”

“Okay.” Joonmyun pulled the blanket out from under their bodies and spread it over them, then switched off the lights.

The cocoon of soft darkness around Jongin made him feel safe. His eyelids became heavy and fell close as soon as he'd laid his head on the pillow.

“I think I'm already dreaming,” Joonmyun mused. Jongin was too tired to answer to that, he just found Joonmyun's hand and squeezed it as hard as he could half-asleep to let him know he wasn't.

“Hyung...” he slurred into the pillow, “there's still so much I have to tell you... but... sleep first.”

And the two boys fell asleep in a hotel bed far away from home with linked fingers and kiss-swollen lips. They say home is where the heart is, and their hearts had found a home in each other.



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