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writetomyheart2013-09-18 01:32 am
doctoggy.livejournal.com) wrote in writetomyheart2013-09-18 01:32 am
Entry tags:
[Team One] Regrets
Sorry for the rush job. I did a shitty job beta-ing this. Since I cant beta to save my own life.
But apparently moving to another country gives me all sorts of unresolved angsty feelings.
Still trying to get a feel for them as characters. So IDEK know where this came from.
Sorry.
Also, I dont have a tag. :(
“We’re stuck together forever.” Fujigaya commented, not for the first time, but this time at least it lacked the usually bitterness and snark usually associated with this conversations with Kitayama. “For fucking ever. That is a long time.” Fijigaya put his drink glass, now empty, down on the bar and leaned a little towards Kitayama, who was half dozing beside him at the bar. It was the final concert of their tour, and they had a night to relax before heading back to the real world. A world where they did not drink in companionable silence. So he wanted to enjoy it while he could.
“Kisumai is worth forever.” Kitayama mumbled sleepily, and Fijigaya nodded next to him, leaning a bit closer to nudge Kitayama’s shoulder.
“You awake?” He asked, waiting until Kitayama mumbled an agreement before nudging him again. “I have something that I want to tell you.” Fujigaya didn’t continue until Kitayama turned to look at him, eyes glassy and bright with alcohol, and Fujigaya met his gaze with a steady one. Though his hands were shaking, and his voice was a bit higher pitched than he would like.
“Since its forever, I just wanted you to know, that while I am an asshole sometimes,” When Kitayama hmmed his agreement, for once Fujigaya didn’t strike back at him, didn’t retaliate, and that had Kitayama shifting in his chair to look at Fijigaya a little bit closer, his nose and mouth scrunching up in confusion. Fujigaya for once, was honest enough to admit that it was adorable on the older man.
“I am an asshole sometimes, but I like you. As in I am in love with you. And I just wanted you to know.” Fujigaya shifted, flagging down the bartender at the hotel bar and ordering another round before Kitayama could eye process the words that the other had spoken.
For once, Fujigaya didn’t mock his shocked ehhhhh, just passed a new drink to him and wouldn’t look at him, though is cheeks burned red. “I know that it’s sudden, but I mean it.”
Kitayama didn’t reply for a long time, didn’t know how to reply, not really. Since this was not something that he had ever ever expected to hear from the other.
“I—I need to think about it.” Was the reply that he finally settled on, and Fujigaya nodded.
“Its OK. Take all of the time that you need. I wont mention it again.” Fujigaya turned, as he heart Miyata and Tamamori making a fuss behind him, and he was slightly surprised to see Miyata leaving his position of Tamamori’s shadow to slide up to Kitayama at the bar.
“We were heading up to the room, if you still wanted to come?” The offer from Miyata was low, soft enough that only his band mates could hear it, and Tamamori’s gaze was darting nervously around the hotel bar. He looked paranoid enough to draw attention to himself, but that was nothing unusual.
“I—“ Kitayama paused, glancing to Fujigaya for a moment, but Fujigaya wouldn’t look at him.”
“Do what you want, I just needed to say it.” His voice was soft, enough that Miyata, standing on Kitayama’s far side couldn’t hear, but Kitayama nodded.
“And I will, I just—“ He trailed off, jumping slightly as Fujigaya was sure was happening, Miyata brushed a hand against his skin.
“Have fun.” Fujigaya still wouldn’t look at them, slamming back his drink, and then Kitayama’s, and tossing enough cash down on the bar to settle their bill.
It was rare, these days, that Miyata and Tamamori let anyone play with them, but it was tour, and he was Kitayama, and things like that happened. But it didn’t hurt any less to know that Kitayama would be sleeping with two of their band members so soon after getting his confession. But if Kitayama said he would think about it, then Fujigaya was sure that he would.
Wandering the hotel property was possible dangerous, but there was a spa on the top floor, and Fujigaya was sure that he could go there for a bit to relax, as it was open 24 hours. He was not surprised to see Wataru, Senga and Nikaido leaving, though Senga lingered as Fujigaya stripped down, settling onto a stool to shower before soaking in the waters.
“Gaya,” Senga pressed against his back, not bothered by the spray of the water, and Fujigaya was sure that Yokoo was guarding the door, making sure that no one else entered the baths just yet. It was just like his friend to do something like that.
“Hmm?” He replied, stopping the water, and Senga was warm, skin flushed from the bathwater against his back, their skin slick from the water.
“Miyacchi and Tama stole Kitayama tonight, since I told them that I wanted you. You will come with us tonight, right?” His voice was low in Fujigaya’s hear, his hands warm where they wrapped around his body, and for a moment he considered it, he really did.
“I would love to, but….” He trailed off and Senga shifted in surprise, their gazes meeting in the mirror.
“But?”
“I finally confessed tonight, to someone that I have loved for a long time. They said they would think about it, but I want to wait, until I have an answer. I want them to know that I am serious.” Fujigaya took a deep breath, and he could not deny the want as Senga backed away, hands trailing over his torso as he stepped back, and there was desire there, as Fujigaya took in his naked form in the mirror. But just because Kitayama was sleeping with Miyata and Tamamori that night didn’t mean that Fujigaya would sleep with the rest of them. He needed Kitayama to know that he was serious.
“Well, I wish you the best then.” Senga’s face broke out into a wide smile, and Fujigaya could not help but smile back.
“Have fun. Make sure to take Watta to your room, I want to be able to sleep tonight.” He called out as Senga sauntered over to the door, and Fujigaya was proud of himself for not staring at Senga’s retreating form.
He had it bad. But for annoying, and obnoxious and endearing as he found Kitayama, the other wasn’t an asshole. He was sure that he would have an answer soon.
~~
Except soon turned into months. He got to hear tales of Senga and Nikaido’s adventures with Kitayama (which hurt) Tamamori bragging (rarely) about his ability to top their ‘leader’ (that hurt more), but the final straw that broke the proverbial camels back from walking into their dressing room to see Yokoo pressed up against the wall, Kitayama on his knees before the other man.
Which would have been fine, if he had fucking told Fijugaya that he wasn’t interested. But this, this hurt.
Maybe he had forgotten. Or maybe he just didn’t want to tell Fujigaya no. But either way, enough was enough, and he couldn’t deal with it any longer. There was one person, one senpai, that he was certain could give him advice on getting over asshole band mates, and while they were not close, he was always willing to talk with a kouhai in need.
Pulling the door to their dressing room firmly closed behind him, Fujigaya sent a message to his senpai.
I am sorry this is out of the blue, but I need some personal advice, on getting over someone that you never should have fallen for in the first place. – Taisuke
If you are talking about what I think you are, I we should do coffee asap. I will be bringing someone though, since there were a huge help to me. I hope that’s ok? – Jun
Whatever works best for you. I appreciate all the help I can get. Since when you are in a band together forever, -- I don’t want it to destroy us – Taisuke
I am free now, let me know when to meet you. He will meet us later. -- Jun
Fujigaya finished sending a message, letting Matsumoto-senpai know about his schedule, and slipped his phone back into his pocked, banging loudly on the door to let Yokoo and Kitayama know that he was coming in the room for real that time. If anyone could help him get over his crush, since two months of Kitayama sleeping with everyone in their band but him, and half of ABC-Z if Kawai was to be believed, meant that something had to change. And Matsumoto and Sakurai had a long and awkward history of something needed to change. He would be the person who, Fujigaya thought, would give him the best advice.
~~
As Fujigaya left their dressing room after filming, he didn’t say much to the others. Just grabbed his back, checked his phone, and left. Senga and Miyata watched him leave, frowning as the others gathered their things.
“Gaya has been a bit off these past few months.” Miyata’s voice was low enough for the others to hear, which wasn’t hard to do, when Nikaido was shrieking in laugher, trying to get Kitayama or Yokoo to take him out to dinner that night.
“He doesn’t even play with us any more, ever since…” Senga trailed off, counting back. “It cant be” His voice was soft and Miyata looked at him, an eyebrow raised.
“The last night of tour, Gaya turned down staying with us. He said he had just confessed to someone and was waiting for an answer.” Senga’s voice was low, pitched so that only Miyata could hear him, but just to make sure, he leaned a little closer into Miyata, making sure that no one could read his lips.
“But the last night of the took Gaya was with Hitomitsu, until Tama and I—“ Miyata trailed off, his eyes getting wide, and Senga glanced to Miyata for a moment, before his eyes widened to.
“You don’t think…” He asked, his voice trailing off, and it took a long moment for Miyata to answer.
“Hiromitsu was pretty drunk that night. He didn’t say anything about it to us, but as we left, he kept glancing back, watching Gaya. And, if I think about it, Gaya wouldn’t look at us that night…” Miyata had a note of horror in his voice at the end, and Senga frowned, curling in slightly on himself.
“If that is true, then Gaya has been waiting months from something, and he was watched the person that he loves sleep with everyone but him.” Senga couldn’t keep the sadness out of his voice, and Miyata grabbed his hand, squeezing for a moment.
“We can talk to him about it tomorrow.”
~~
“Miss you.” Senga commented, slipping down onto the couch beside Fujigaya, pulling the other to him in a hug. Fujigaya dint really think about it, just wrapped the other up in a hug.
“I miss you guys too.” His reply was soft, and Senga nodded, wrapping himself further around Fujigaya.
“Are you still waiting?”
Senga could hear the breath catch in Fujigaya’s chest.
“I decided yesterday to stop waiting. After all this time, if I don’t get an answer, then I don’t think I will.”
“An answer?” Yokoo asked from across the room, looking up from his phone and Fujigaya nodded, though he could feel the rest of the eyes of the band on him, after taking a deep sigh, and checking his phone, and noting that the eyes of his bandmates were trained on him, he sighed again, before speaking.
“I finally confessed to someone that means a lot to me a few months ago. And they were surprised.” He paused at Tamamori laughed, though he could see Miyata, and feel Senga stiffen in place.
“But Gaya-chan wears his feelings on his sleeves.”
Fujigya shrugged. “I am a better actor than you make me out to be."
Tamamori laughed again, and Senga leaned into Fujigaya.
"And I was told they would thing about it. But, its been months, and I haven’t heard back, and their actions make it very clear that they either don’t return my feelings, and don’t care enough to reply.
“I am sure its not that!” Senga and Miyata chime in at the same time, and Kitayama chuckled, shifting from where he had been not napping on the other couch.
“Who waits around months for a reply to a confession?”
Senga could feel the tremor in Fijigaya’s frame.
“If I like someone,” Kitayama continued, “I go after them. I don’t wait. Either you like someone or you don’t. There isn’t a question of needing to think about it.”
Senga didn’t loosen his grip on Fujigaya, though it seemed the other had stopped breathing for a moment, shaking slightly were he sat.
“I—I—“ He started, and Senga tightened his grip, holding the other in place, while Miyata glanced at the pair of them, his eyes impossible wide.
“Kento, let me go.” His voice was firm, sharp and cold, and Senga found himself letting go before he could process the words.
“Taisuke, what’s wrong?” Yokoo asked, noticing how off balance the other seemed, the pallor of his skin, and the rage that seemed to consume him.
“Nothing at all.” As he stormed across the room to grab his bag his action betrayed him.
“I have to thank you though, Kitayama. You finally gave me an answer. You didn’t have to be an asshole about it. You could have just said do, instead of fucking the entire agency as an answer instead. Even for you, it’s a bit of a dick move, even for a fucking midget.” Fujigaya moved towards the door, not bothering to curb the venom from his tongue. “I will see you all when I get back from Russia. Hopefully there I can develop better taste in men.”
He was out the door before most of the room processed his words, though Senga looked as if he was about to cry, and Miyata had sunk down into the couch, a hand threaded into his hair.
Yokoo, Tamamori and Nikaido were demanding Kitayama tell them what was going on, what Fijigaya meant, but all he could hear was Fujigaya’s parting words.
You finally gave me an answer.
That’s a dick move.
He had thought that it has been a dream, wishful drunken fantasy as best. And there would be no way that he would confess to Fujigaya knowing how the other felt about him.
But the signs were there. And the most he slept around, the more withdrawn that Fujigaya had gotten.
For once, Fujigaya was right, and Kitayama was not sure that he could fix this one with just an apology. Or an I was drunk. Or I thought it was a dream. As far as Fujigaya was concerned he has trampled all over his feelings, and he should he seen the signs. He really should have.
He was dick.
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jojibear you are up.
But apparently moving to another country gives me all sorts of unresolved angsty feelings.
Still trying to get a feel for them as characters. So IDEK know where this came from.
Sorry.
“We’re stuck together forever.” Fujigaya commented, not for the first time, but this time at least it lacked the usually bitterness and snark usually associated with this conversations with Kitayama. “For fucking ever. That is a long time.” Fijigaya put his drink glass, now empty, down on the bar and leaned a little towards Kitayama, who was half dozing beside him at the bar. It was the final concert of their tour, and they had a night to relax before heading back to the real world. A world where they did not drink in companionable silence. So he wanted to enjoy it while he could.
“Kisumai is worth forever.” Kitayama mumbled sleepily, and Fijigaya nodded next to him, leaning a bit closer to nudge Kitayama’s shoulder.
“You awake?” He asked, waiting until Kitayama mumbled an agreement before nudging him again. “I have something that I want to tell you.” Fujigaya didn’t continue until Kitayama turned to look at him, eyes glassy and bright with alcohol, and Fujigaya met his gaze with a steady one. Though his hands were shaking, and his voice was a bit higher pitched than he would like.
“Since its forever, I just wanted you to know, that while I am an asshole sometimes,” When Kitayama hmmed his agreement, for once Fujigaya didn’t strike back at him, didn’t retaliate, and that had Kitayama shifting in his chair to look at Fijigaya a little bit closer, his nose and mouth scrunching up in confusion. Fujigaya for once, was honest enough to admit that it was adorable on the older man.
“I am an asshole sometimes, but I like you. As in I am in love with you. And I just wanted you to know.” Fujigaya shifted, flagging down the bartender at the hotel bar and ordering another round before Kitayama could eye process the words that the other had spoken.
For once, Fujigaya didn’t mock his shocked ehhhhh, just passed a new drink to him and wouldn’t look at him, though is cheeks burned red. “I know that it’s sudden, but I mean it.”
Kitayama didn’t reply for a long time, didn’t know how to reply, not really. Since this was not something that he had ever ever expected to hear from the other.
“I—I need to think about it.” Was the reply that he finally settled on, and Fujigaya nodded.
“Its OK. Take all of the time that you need. I wont mention it again.” Fujigaya turned, as he heart Miyata and Tamamori making a fuss behind him, and he was slightly surprised to see Miyata leaving his position of Tamamori’s shadow to slide up to Kitayama at the bar.
“We were heading up to the room, if you still wanted to come?” The offer from Miyata was low, soft enough that only his band mates could hear it, and Tamamori’s gaze was darting nervously around the hotel bar. He looked paranoid enough to draw attention to himself, but that was nothing unusual.
“I—“ Kitayama paused, glancing to Fujigaya for a moment, but Fujigaya wouldn’t look at him.”
“Do what you want, I just needed to say it.” His voice was soft, enough that Miyata, standing on Kitayama’s far side couldn’t hear, but Kitayama nodded.
“And I will, I just—“ He trailed off, jumping slightly as Fujigaya was sure was happening, Miyata brushed a hand against his skin.
“Have fun.” Fujigaya still wouldn’t look at them, slamming back his drink, and then Kitayama’s, and tossing enough cash down on the bar to settle their bill.
It was rare, these days, that Miyata and Tamamori let anyone play with them, but it was tour, and he was Kitayama, and things like that happened. But it didn’t hurt any less to know that Kitayama would be sleeping with two of their band members so soon after getting his confession. But if Kitayama said he would think about it, then Fujigaya was sure that he would.
Wandering the hotel property was possible dangerous, but there was a spa on the top floor, and Fujigaya was sure that he could go there for a bit to relax, as it was open 24 hours. He was not surprised to see Wataru, Senga and Nikaido leaving, though Senga lingered as Fujigaya stripped down, settling onto a stool to shower before soaking in the waters.
“Gaya,” Senga pressed against his back, not bothered by the spray of the water, and Fujigaya was sure that Yokoo was guarding the door, making sure that no one else entered the baths just yet. It was just like his friend to do something like that.
“Hmm?” He replied, stopping the water, and Senga was warm, skin flushed from the bathwater against his back, their skin slick from the water.
“Miyacchi and Tama stole Kitayama tonight, since I told them that I wanted you. You will come with us tonight, right?” His voice was low in Fujigaya’s hear, his hands warm where they wrapped around his body, and for a moment he considered it, he really did.
“I would love to, but….” He trailed off and Senga shifted in surprise, their gazes meeting in the mirror.
“But?”
“I finally confessed tonight, to someone that I have loved for a long time. They said they would think about it, but I want to wait, until I have an answer. I want them to know that I am serious.” Fujigaya took a deep breath, and he could not deny the want as Senga backed away, hands trailing over his torso as he stepped back, and there was desire there, as Fujigaya took in his naked form in the mirror. But just because Kitayama was sleeping with Miyata and Tamamori that night didn’t mean that Fujigaya would sleep with the rest of them. He needed Kitayama to know that he was serious.
“Well, I wish you the best then.” Senga’s face broke out into a wide smile, and Fujigaya could not help but smile back.
“Have fun. Make sure to take Watta to your room, I want to be able to sleep tonight.” He called out as Senga sauntered over to the door, and Fujigaya was proud of himself for not staring at Senga’s retreating form.
He had it bad. But for annoying, and obnoxious and endearing as he found Kitayama, the other wasn’t an asshole. He was sure that he would have an answer soon.
~~
Except soon turned into months. He got to hear tales of Senga and Nikaido’s adventures with Kitayama (which hurt) Tamamori bragging (rarely) about his ability to top their ‘leader’ (that hurt more), but the final straw that broke the proverbial camels back from walking into their dressing room to see Yokoo pressed up against the wall, Kitayama on his knees before the other man.
Which would have been fine, if he had fucking told Fijugaya that he wasn’t interested. But this, this hurt.
Maybe he had forgotten. Or maybe he just didn’t want to tell Fujigaya no. But either way, enough was enough, and he couldn’t deal with it any longer. There was one person, one senpai, that he was certain could give him advice on getting over asshole band mates, and while they were not close, he was always willing to talk with a kouhai in need.
Pulling the door to their dressing room firmly closed behind him, Fujigaya sent a message to his senpai.
I am sorry this is out of the blue, but I need some personal advice, on getting over someone that you never should have fallen for in the first place. – Taisuke
If you are talking about what I think you are, I we should do coffee asap. I will be bringing someone though, since there were a huge help to me. I hope that’s ok? – Jun
Whatever works best for you. I appreciate all the help I can get. Since when you are in a band together forever, -- I don’t want it to destroy us – Taisuke
I am free now, let me know when to meet you. He will meet us later. -- Jun
Fujigaya finished sending a message, letting Matsumoto-senpai know about his schedule, and slipped his phone back into his pocked, banging loudly on the door to let Yokoo and Kitayama know that he was coming in the room for real that time. If anyone could help him get over his crush, since two months of Kitayama sleeping with everyone in their band but him, and half of ABC-Z if Kawai was to be believed, meant that something had to change. And Matsumoto and Sakurai had a long and awkward history of something needed to change. He would be the person who, Fujigaya thought, would give him the best advice.
~~
As Fujigaya left their dressing room after filming, he didn’t say much to the others. Just grabbed his back, checked his phone, and left. Senga and Miyata watched him leave, frowning as the others gathered their things.
“Gaya has been a bit off these past few months.” Miyata’s voice was low enough for the others to hear, which wasn’t hard to do, when Nikaido was shrieking in laugher, trying to get Kitayama or Yokoo to take him out to dinner that night.
“He doesn’t even play with us any more, ever since…” Senga trailed off, counting back. “It cant be” His voice was soft and Miyata looked at him, an eyebrow raised.
“The last night of tour, Gaya turned down staying with us. He said he had just confessed to someone and was waiting for an answer.” Senga’s voice was low, pitched so that only Miyata could hear him, but just to make sure, he leaned a little closer into Miyata, making sure that no one could read his lips.
“But the last night of the took Gaya was with Hitomitsu, until Tama and I—“ Miyata trailed off, his eyes getting wide, and Senga glanced to Miyata for a moment, before his eyes widened to.
“You don’t think…” He asked, his voice trailing off, and it took a long moment for Miyata to answer.
“Hiromitsu was pretty drunk that night. He didn’t say anything about it to us, but as we left, he kept glancing back, watching Gaya. And, if I think about it, Gaya wouldn’t look at us that night…” Miyata had a note of horror in his voice at the end, and Senga frowned, curling in slightly on himself.
“If that is true, then Gaya has been waiting months from something, and he was watched the person that he loves sleep with everyone but him.” Senga couldn’t keep the sadness out of his voice, and Miyata grabbed his hand, squeezing for a moment.
“We can talk to him about it tomorrow.”
~~
“Miss you.” Senga commented, slipping down onto the couch beside Fujigaya, pulling the other to him in a hug. Fujigaya dint really think about it, just wrapped the other up in a hug.
“I miss you guys too.” His reply was soft, and Senga nodded, wrapping himself further around Fujigaya.
“Are you still waiting?”
Senga could hear the breath catch in Fujigaya’s chest.
“I decided yesterday to stop waiting. After all this time, if I don’t get an answer, then I don’t think I will.”
“An answer?” Yokoo asked from across the room, looking up from his phone and Fujigaya nodded, though he could feel the rest of the eyes of the band on him, after taking a deep sigh, and checking his phone, and noting that the eyes of his bandmates were trained on him, he sighed again, before speaking.
“I finally confessed to someone that means a lot to me a few months ago. And they were surprised.” He paused at Tamamori laughed, though he could see Miyata, and feel Senga stiffen in place.
“But Gaya-chan wears his feelings on his sleeves.”
Fujigya shrugged. “I am a better actor than you make me out to be."
Tamamori laughed again, and Senga leaned into Fujigaya.
"And I was told they would thing about it. But, its been months, and I haven’t heard back, and their actions make it very clear that they either don’t return my feelings, and don’t care enough to reply.
“I am sure its not that!” Senga and Miyata chime in at the same time, and Kitayama chuckled, shifting from where he had been not napping on the other couch.
“Who waits around months for a reply to a confession?”
Senga could feel the tremor in Fijigaya’s frame.
“If I like someone,” Kitayama continued, “I go after them. I don’t wait. Either you like someone or you don’t. There isn’t a question of needing to think about it.”
Senga didn’t loosen his grip on Fujigaya, though it seemed the other had stopped breathing for a moment, shaking slightly were he sat.
“I—I—“ He started, and Senga tightened his grip, holding the other in place, while Miyata glanced at the pair of them, his eyes impossible wide.
“Kento, let me go.” His voice was firm, sharp and cold, and Senga found himself letting go before he could process the words.
“Taisuke, what’s wrong?” Yokoo asked, noticing how off balance the other seemed, the pallor of his skin, and the rage that seemed to consume him.
“Nothing at all.” As he stormed across the room to grab his bag his action betrayed him.
“I have to thank you though, Kitayama. You finally gave me an answer. You didn’t have to be an asshole about it. You could have just said do, instead of fucking the entire agency as an answer instead. Even for you, it’s a bit of a dick move, even for a fucking midget.” Fujigaya moved towards the door, not bothering to curb the venom from his tongue. “I will see you all when I get back from Russia. Hopefully there I can develop better taste in men.”
He was out the door before most of the room processed his words, though Senga looked as if he was about to cry, and Miyata had sunk down into the couch, a hand threaded into his hair.
Yokoo, Tamamori and Nikaido were demanding Kitayama tell them what was going on, what Fijigaya meant, but all he could hear was Fujigaya’s parting words.
You finally gave me an answer.
That’s a dick move.
He had thought that it has been a dream, wishful drunken fantasy as best. And there would be no way that he would confess to Fujigaya knowing how the other felt about him.
But the signs were there. And the most he slept around, the more withdrawn that Fujigaya had gotten.
For once, Fujigaya was right, and Kitayama was not sure that he could fix this one with just an apology. Or an I was drunk. Or I thought it was a dream. As far as Fujigaya was concerned he has trampled all over his feelings, and he should he seen the signs. He really should have.
He was dick.
jojibear you are up.
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a second part is in need! pleaseeeeeee
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But thanks for reading!!
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How can you not?? >:O
*rages*
But this fic gave me feels~